you can still see out of slanted eyes

So I'm Asian. I know it's not glaringly obvious, so I thought I'd just fill you all in. It crossed my mind that the slanted eyes and pin-straight black hair might be a hint, but I realize, an all too subtle one. My name bears a pretty strong resemblance to the raw food sushi, but then again, Brown might throw you off a bit. Tough call. 

But you know what gets me about being Asian? Besides the fact that we all look alike. It's the whole drinking thing. "Oh, it's the Asian glow!" A curse some call it. Take one sip, of even light beer, and we turn bright red. You know what I call it? Fuck you! I'm not drunk! Give me another beer. I used to hate that in college. Five minutes into the party and I'm the one who needs to be "cut off." No! I need to be cut off when I'm bent over hurling out the contents of my stomach and my pants are half way to my ankles. 

The other troubling aspect about being Asian is, as I mentioned before, the slanted eyes and pin-straight black hair, yeah, we've all got them. Of course there are degrees of slant to each individual, and the hair color varies depending on whether you dye it...bright orange. By the way, what the fuck?! You're Asian. You look ridiculous. And you know what other alterations multitudes of Asians go through? Eye-lid fat removal. Yeah! But it's not like, "Gee, my eye-lids are looking pretty fat. I'd better lipo that shit out." No. It's more, "I'm too Asian, and my eyes need bigger creases. I'd better lipo that shit out." And if you don't have enough money to go through such an appearance-enhancing procedure, you can just get some scotch tape and fashion yourself a new set of eyelid creases. Cover it up with some eyeliner, and you're good to go. Again, to address my people, "What the fuck!?"

Oh, right. I'm sorry. We DO all look alike. It's a matter of distinguishing yourself, right? Is that it? From Chinese, to Japanese, Koreans, it's a little hard to tell. To the audience, I ask you, what am I? I bet I'll get all three answers. And you're all wrong! Just look at my eyelids. I've got one with a crease and one without. What does that make me? Fucking weird, that's what! Give me a piece of scotch tape, and I'm whiter than Casper, the fucking ghost. 

I may not be white, but, I do refer to myself as a Twinkie. Hostess. I thought of other baked goods, but this one just seemed so appropriate. It's because I'm so lovable and sweet. Take one bite and the creamy, cakey goodness just makes you melt. I just exude sweetness, right? Yeah. Or it's because I'm white on the inside and yellow on the out. (point to face, "Yellow.") It's not jaundice, it's Japanese. What's your excuse? I'd show you the white, creamy goodness, but this is a family event. PG-13. So, use your imagination, people. 

So that's the first lesson on Asians. So don't fuck it up. Confuse us again and one of us will jump out from the shadows and judo chop you to death. There's a little bit of ninja in every one of us. Yeah. Bet you didn't know that.